Regarding Love and...

When I spoke to my therapist, he said my biggest problem was trying to understand two things at once.

“You can’t think about your parents’ divorce and your break-up at the same time. Although chronologically they happened together, it does not mean they need to be considered together.”

Yeah, he’s right about that.

But you see, I don’t really see things chronologically. When I consider things, I don’t consider them together because they happened at the same time. I compare different situations to reach a conclusion, to find an ultimate truth.

So I compare you to him. Then I compare you to her. Then I compare us to my parents.

And I wonder. I rearrange every picture to find a way for us to fit together. And if I cannot, then I find every reason why in that particular scenario, it would not work. One scenario is not all, right? But there’s only one true scenario, and I don’t know what that is.

But look, I am doing it again. I am considering two problems at the same time.

Problem one: would we work?

Problem two: do I love you?

When considered together, the questions become impossible to solve. Because when one question is involved, I could consider the variables, and come to a plausible solution and a course of action. But when two questions are involved, the variables become countless.

Question one: do you still…

Care about me? Think about me? Love me?

I don’t even know what to ask. I just want some sort of answer. I want to find a letter in my mail box, giving me a resounding “yes”. I want to pick up the phone, with you on the other end, and I want you to answer the question, although I never posed one.

But that is not going to happen.

Which is why I compare you to all these people.

Look, this is where he and I went wrong. I was a dreamer and he had bad grammar. Plus, he just wanted a girlfriend and I guess… I just wanted a boyfriend. Is that us? Was that us? Are we going to end up like that?

Look, this is where she and I went wrong. She was too appearance-obsessed and I was too stupid. Plus, I did not really like her and I guess… neither did she. Is that us? Was that us? Are we going to end up like that?

Look, this is where my parents went wrong. He wanted a wife, she wanted to be a person. Plus, they did not even want to marry each other. That. That is definitely not us.

And then the questions return.

One: Do I love you?

Two: Should I love you?

Three: Does this even matter (to you)?

Answer: I don’t know.

But see, there’s one experience that I have which is unrivalled. I cannot compare it to anything.

So it was August. A few weeks after you left me. I was getting a cup of water. It always happens when we’re getting a cup of water. And I am filling my cup, and I look up. Out of nowhere, I realize. Yeah. I think I fell in love. Oh God I am in love with the guy that dumped me. I am the most despicable of girls. This is… hilarious.

Me, who’s always run away from emotions to avoid being “that girl”. Me, who did not and would not love. Me, who finally claimed to love while shutting my heart up in a little box. Me, rational me. Me, who does not love. I simply don’t fall in love.

Yet there it was. Standing in the hallway. That realization.

I think I stood there for a good five minutes. Because beyond all reason, I still love you.

Any sane person would move on. I guess I am just insane.

Sometimes I try to imagine I am the protagonist from The Raven, and at some point I was supposed to shout “Nevermore!” But I don’t. Because you are still alive. And I am still alive. And I used to say that loving you is not just a decision for you, it’s a decision for love. But that’s simply not true. Loving you is a decision of its own. It’s an occurrence of its own.

Because I have no comparison points.

So I guess the answer did come in the mail. Here, I wrote it myself:

Answer: yes.