Questions

I didn't mean to

It all started innocently enough

Helping you out at breakfast club
which was a one-time thing

A couple of lunches
here and there

Thighs brushing
by accident

Waiting by my locker before lunch
it's probably temporary

Then it turns into this

For me
that is

Maybe for you
it's a different story

Maybe for you
you're just happy
that you have a new friend

Who's more than happy
to spend time with you

But nevertheless
I tripped
and fell

Spiralling downwards
I fell out of time
with him
and into time
with you

But no
I cannot

I cannot reduce my love for him
to simple humps
and groans
in a staircase

To nonchalant wonderings of
"How was your day?"

To a static silence
on the way home
thinking
"Maybe we're just off today"

I cannot reduce 23 wonderful months with him
before you
into mere dust
I cannot

But yet here I am

Maybe I am reading too much
I say

Maybe we could just be friends

But my heart rebels
crying
"Oh
woe is me!"

But woe is me!

When my heart and mind
rebel together
when one loves him
and the other thinks it loves you

So I comfort myself

No
I am reading into it too much

No
that innocent brush of hands
truly was innocent

No
your insistence upon saying
"as you wish"
does not mean anything

No
No
No

I am thinking too much

Yet still I fall
down this endless rabbit hole

Floating around me
your smile
the brush of our legs when we sit down
his hands
how you say "mhmm"
his lovely eyes
a whisk of his deodorant

Clashing and bumping

I try to untangle my senses
even though it's futile

Even my dreams are confused

Starting with a happy time with you
then his scorching anger
looking back sadly at you
ending with his kiss

Each way I turn
is a dead end

Will I ever get out?

Or am I already on the outside
struggling to be let back in?

I am lost

But I didn't mean to be
honest